Dear Parents: You don't need to understand your child's emotions

Dear Parents, You don't need to understand your child's emotions, in order to validate them

Do any of these phrases sound familiar? What’s wrong?  Why are you upset? Can you use your words?  Why are you crying? I wish you would tell me what’s going on. Why won’t you talk to me?

When your child is in distress, you want to make them feel better. As a parent of three little-ones myself, believe me, I get it! It hurts to see your child hurting. Even as a licensed psychotherapist, I also fall into the trap of thinking that I need to know why my child is upset, in order to alleviate their pain. Many of us believe that we need to know why our child is upset in order to help them. So, we become detectives. Questions are well-meaning and come from a place of support. If we understand the facts, we can best support them. However, oftentimes, this assumption is wrong.

More often than not, we really don’t need to understand the facts in order for your child to feel supported and loved. Of course, if your child is being mistreated in any way- bullied, abused, threatened, etc. details are important to gather. However, even in those cases, the following methods will help your child communicate at their pace. Children will open up to you when they feel safe, heard, and validated. So let’s throw away the notion that we need to totally understand our child's emotional experiences in order to help your kiddos! 

Your child’s emotions are unique and complex

Every individual, including your child, experiences emotions uniquely. Emotional experiences are influenced by a combination of genetics, personality, past experiences, and current circumstances. This complexity makes it challenging, if not impossible, to fully grasp the depth of your child's emotions at all times. And, that’s okay!

Validate their experience

Rather than trying to fully understand your child's emotions, focus on encouraging them to express themselves openly when they are ready (and calm). Create a safe and non-judgmental space where they feel comfortable sharing their feelings. Let them know that it's okay to feel whatever they're feeling, and that their emotions are valid. Instead of fully understanding your child's emotions, aim to validate their feelings. Acknowledge their emotions by saying things like, "I can see that you're upset" or "It sounds like you're really happy." Validating their feelings helps your child feel heard and supported, even if you don't completely comprehend their emotional experience.

Avoid Pressuring your child to talk about their feelings right away

Kids deal with all the emotions that adults do. As humans, when we feel emotions intensely (ex. anger, rage, sadness, guilt) the “thinking” part of our brains go offline. That’s why it’s so hard to think logically when we are upset. Thus, wait for your child to calm down before asking them to talk about it. The rule of thumb that I follow when I work with parents or couples, is to wait until you're at a level 5 or below. 

Embrace Empathy

Empathy is the ability to express that you hear and understand another person. It means that their experince makes sense to you. THEY make sense to you. While you may not fully understand your child's emotions, you can still empathize with them. Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how they might be feeling. Express empathy by saying, "I can imagine that this is really tough for you." Seek Their Perspective. Sometimes, your child's emotions may seem confusing or disproportionate to the situation. Instead of trying to dissect their emotions, ask them open-ended questions to gain insight into their perspective. For example, you can ask, "Can you help me understand what's going on in your mind right now?"

Remember That It's a Journey

Understanding and processing emotions is a lifelong journey for both children and adults. Your child's emotional landscape will evolve over time, and their ability to express themselves will improve with age and experience. Be patient and recognize that you are continually learning about each other's emotions.

Be a Consistent Source of Support

Even when you don't fully understand your child's emotions, you can be a consistent source of support and love. Reassure them that you are there for them no matter what they're going through. Your presence and unwavering support can have a significant positive impact on their emotional well-being.

Parents, you got this!

Dear parents, it's important to remember that you don't need to fully understand your child's emotions to be a loving and supportive parent. Emotions are complex and unique, and it's normal for both parents and children to have moments of confusion or uncertainty. Instead of focusing on complete understanding, prioritize creating a safe, open, and empathetic environment where your child feels comfortable expressing their feelings. Your unconditional love and support will help them navigate the ups and downs of their emotional journey with confidence and resilience.